Posts Tagged ‘God in the Muck’

How I am Fallen, Yet Bold to Stand

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My mind is cluttered today with a burning issue. A clever thought would be to write about what is burning on my mind, right?

Except, no.

You see, I keep putting myself out here online and I try to be honest and vulnerable, but there are still things I hold back.

Dear internet, I don’t tell you everything, but I hope we can still be friends.

Maybe I could trust you with this but I’m not ready yet.

And maybe one day I will tell you more.

Then again, maybe I won’t.

You see, there is this thorn in my side, my besetting sin, my great downfall in life, that I don’t dare bring to the bright lights of the big internet. I don’t dare.

I alluded to it in my The Home of the Brave post at Life & Liberty. And, as noted there, I have people in my life that I can talk to about it. So, I am not alone in facing this demon.

But this is an awfully ugly demon. I would say it is even uglier than my pride, about which, dear internet, you were very gracious when I admitted to it.

But the costs of sharing about this one are too great. I find it wisest and best to keep this one more guarded.

And it all sounds so horrifying to say it like this. Oh internet, there’s this one thing that I won’t tell you because it’s so awful—because I’m so awful.

And I do often feel like if people really knew this about me then I would lose a lot of respect.

But here’s the thing, even this, my greatest failing, this does not define me.

I don’t say that cavalierly, as if, hey, it’s no big deal, I’m not that bad.

Because I am that bad.

It’s just that I know, I trust, I believe that my God is bigger and better than all the bad I am.

One of the times I come back to again and again in my spiritual life as proof that God is bigger than my mess is the time God was with me in the muck. I was waste-deep in my own folly, but God was there when no one else could hear. God got me out of the muck when no one else could help me.

And I know, I trust, I believe that his goodness in and through me is my true destiny.

And so, I talk with my God and those trusted others about this great struggle. And with God’s help, I work through it, sometimes around it, and I hope to grow from it over time.

Meanwhile, I yield to God’s love for me, I receive his goodness, and I live into my belovedness. I come to him, feeling flawed and fallen, and I let him lift me up.

He sets me on my feet, bold to stand, bold to speak and write and serve and show his love to others.

And I pray this for you too, that whatever drags you down in life, makes you feel scared to even mention, I pray that you will experience God’s bigness and goodness and your forgiveness and belovedness in him.

I Am From Pathways

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Today I am linking up with the She Loves Magazine “I Am From” Synchroblog

I am from charging cords, from Legos, and stacks of Bibles.

I am from the clutter with pathways cut through.

I am from the parched grasses, the pecan tree whose long gone limbs I remember as if they were my own.

I’m from The Farming Game and quick wit, from Idella and Lenore.

I’m from creativity and rumination and long, drawn-out discussions.

I’m from preventing fires, and not being the boss of my brother, and wanting them to know we are Christians by our love.

I’m from summers in Massachusetts where I tried to forge pathways through muck.

I’m from Columbus, Ohio and from people whose waterways were first forged by the Mayflower, venison summer sausage and special carrots.

From a husband who saves turtles, a tireless servant of God, long letters tucked away that cut pathways for love to emerge.

I’m Thrilled to Announce My First Podcast at “Life and Liberty”

Listen to my first podcast at Life and Liberty: "Where is God in the Muck?"

Listen to my first podcast at Life and Liberty: “Where is God in the Muck?”

Friends, I am so excited to tell you about my first podcast ever! (A “podcast” is an audio recording on the internet that you can listen to on a computer or a handheld device.) This podcast is about one of my scariest experiences I’ve ever had and how I got through it. I was 14 years old at the time. The story is titled, “Where is God in the Muck?” This is the first of my new monthly contributions on “Spirituality” over at Life and Liberty.

>>>“Please click here to listen to the podcast “Where is God in the Muck?”<<<

Keep reading to find out how I got this opportunity and why I’m so excited about it.

Cool, How’d that Happen?

When David Housholder put a call-out for spirituality contributors on a Lutheran clergy Facebook group, I responded before I had the chance to over-analyze the opportunity. Not long before that he had commented on my blog and I became an instant fan of his. I mean, he’s a tradionally-published author with real books to his name and yet he noticed little old me! He was so supportive of my writing that when he said he needed spirituality contributors, I nominated myself.

(I’m grateful to Clint Schnekloth for putting me on his blogroll when both my acquaintance with him and my blog itself were only a few weeks old. It was through Clint Schnekloth’s blog that David Housholder got to my blog to begin with.)

Isn’t this Great?!

The irony is not lost on me that the exact post at which David Housholder first “noticed me” addressed my awareness of my own desire for greatness. Even my elation at being noticed by someone more successful than myself drips with egocentrism.

Also not lost on me is that the content of David Housholder’s original comment to me was, “make the big time where you are.” That’s great advice for being faithful with small things! But then that same guy is giving me this big opportunity? I’m still working all this out in my own spirit.

The Media Business

I’m gonna tell you right out, we hope to make money over at Life and Liberty. It is after all, a magazine. And magazines exist to make money.

On my blog here, I don’t make a dime off any clicks on anything at this site. I’m not directly selling anything here. I started this thing for the sheer need to share my voice with the world on a more regular basis. I need to do this just because I can’t not do it anymore. I’ve squandered my voice too long.

But over there, we mean business…well…hopefully! The site is barely covering costs right now, but it’s gaining momentum and it has the potential to be profitable. I would be delighted if a stream of income from my work there could contribute to my family’s financial goals.

Getting Political

Also, and this is the part I’m mostest scaredest to talk about, if you hadn’t already figured it out, Life and Liberty is kinda political. Okay, a lot political. I’ve tried really hard to pin down my own ideology. I don’t fit neatly into the bipartisan landscape as it is. And so, I have never really thought outloud much of my political stance with anyone outside of my very closest family and friends.

When David Housholder said that contributors would have to be able to work with the Libertarian-leaning of his site, I told him I was secretly very comfortable with that. The way I’ve been voting doesn’t thrill me anyway and I have become more open to Libertarian ideas over time. But, when he formally accepted my application and was willing to give me a shot as a contributor, I had to decide if I was willing to go public as having affinity for Libertarian ideas.

Who’s Ideas Are These?

I went to the Libertarian party website to study their platform. And the more I read, I just kept nodding. And I figured if large portions of their platform felt like something I might’ve written myself, then maybe it makes sense to be honest about the resonance I feel with it.

Once I got the Libertarian concern resolved for myself, the rest was easy. David Housholder’s vision for a free society that is spiritually deep is akin to thoughts and ideas I have had for years. What it comes down to is this, I wouldn’t be over there if David Housholder didn’t agree with me as much as he does! (Listen to this and read my comment exchange with him to see what I mean.)

What Goes On Over There?

There are things on the site I can’t even look at, there are things that make me shake my head just reading the title, and there are things on the site that point out realities that make me sad in ways that I’ve tried to explain here on the blog. At the same time there are things over there that give me much hope, there are things that give me a fresh perspective, and there are even things that kinda encourage a belief in fairies!

Also, as I’ve begun to meet the other contributors, I am particularly drawn to Lisa Goodwin and the amazingly deep things she has to say. I’m glad to join the team as a second female voice.

Taking a Step

So, I’m stepping out into something new. I’m excited and nervous. And I don’t know where any of it is going. But somehow working over there brings out more of who I am really which is so freeing. I hope you’ll take this step with me!