Creating Words

I’ve been getting up early in the morning to write. And I like it.

This is big. Really big. I’ve been a nite owl–thought to be incurable–for nearly all my life.

I never knew I could be the kind of person to enjoy mornings so much, but I do. I love the morning now. I love being awake before everyone else and doing my own thing for a spell.

More specifically, I like the feeling of purpose that getting up to write gives me. I have so many words–oh so many–and I want them live somewhere. So getting up to write gives me that sense of honoring myself by giving my words a place to exist, to be free, to have their day in the sun. Well, not literally in the sun because the sun isn’t out yet. It’s just an expression, you know?

I’m working to add other times during my day to write too because, like I say–oh so many words. I have stories and prose and poems and songs that all clamor to emerge to the light, and I’m committed to giving them each their day.

I don’t know if I could enumerate all the works I have considered writing. Even those I have determined I will certainly write is a vast number. Oh so many words, and oh so many works.

There’s a hymn called, “How Great Thou Art,” that has a line that says, “When I in awesome wonder, consider all the works thy hand hath made…” (emphasis mine). And in the hymnal I grew up using, there was an asterisk by “works,” that led to a note, saying, “or worlds.”

I’ve always had a little fascination with this, but never researched it. Somehow I’ve just always intuited that it makes sense that these could be interchangeable because a big part of God’s work is that of creating worlds. Noteworthy too is that God used words to speak worlds into existence.

I told someone on a recent evening that I was getting up early the next morning. They asked me whether I had to work. Without stopping to explain that I would be writing and I was between paid gigs, I simply said, “yes.” It felt good to recognize my writing as work. I am, after all, creating worlds with my words.

It’s Good to Get Outside

I composed this song with my toddler, James, 23 months, on a little jaunt outside the house. It’s a simple ditty about a simple idea: “It’s Good to Get Outside in Spring.” I think, in these strange times, the simple things are worth singing about. And even as we practice “social distancing,” there’s nothing bad, but a lot good about getting outside, breathing fresh air, and communing with nature.

Your turn: what’s something simple yet good in your life right now? Please share with us in the comments below.

Creativity Beckons

Greetings, Dear Reader,

It has been literally years since I last wrote here and I’m feeling drawn back to this space. Back to writing. Back to my creative self.

Some things have changed and some have stayed the same. It would be difficult to summarize all that has happened with me, my life, my family, and…the world since I last wrote. So I won’t try to sum up all the things in their entirety in one neat little blog post.

I will tell you this: my mental health is better than ever, I have had some interesting starts and stops in my vocational journey as a minister and theologian, and I finally had that baby I had been praying for (he’ll be two years old next month). It’s quite likely that more about these matters will come out on the blog sooner or later. Time will tell.

And the world…well, I won’t elaborate on what you what you already know. These are strange times we are living in with a pandemic afoot.

What I do want to say here and now is that this is the fullness of time for my creativity. I want to go on record about this–just as I did in the beginning with my writing. I’m claiming this as my call.

I’ve been feeling the call for a while now to get back to the blog. And to get back to writing in general.

I’ve missed my creativity as I have felt somehow out of touch with it for some time now.

But especially as the world feels as if it has entered The Twilight Zone, my creativity is beckoning like never before. A writer has to write. I have to write. And I need to be creating to make sense of my experience and maybe…maybe to inspire a few people along the way too.

It’s good to be back to the blog and to respond to this prompting I feel as creativity beckons.

 

Your Turn: What’s calling to you in these strange times?

I Am A Lover

IAmALover

I am a lover.
This is who I am at my core.

My love is wide, so wide.
I care deeply even for people I’ve never met in person, maybe never will.

My heart is open, gaping open.
You can walk right into it.
Anyone could, but here you are.

You could work your way from my heart to my head and I wouldn’t be able to quit caring about you.
Not ever.

You would be a part of me.

There are so many of y’all here now.
Too many to count.
And I don’t know how y’all keep getting in.

Because even though my heart is open,
Sometimes my arms are closed,
Sometimes my eyes are closed,
Sometimes my ears are closed.

Sometimes I want to tune you out a while,
Turn off the steady flow of pilgrims to my heartland.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve had enough of y’all.
I’ve loved enough of y’all for one lifetime.

I am a lover, but how can I love well when more and more of you keep coming?

I still mourn those I have loved and lost, you know?
Part of my heart, part of me died when they departed.

And my heart,
Oh it has been hurt by some I have let in,
Some I have loved.
That ache interferes with my loving–makes it hard for my heart to go on.

My heart isn’t what it once was.
But still my heart is open, so wide open.

And I want to let you in.
I have let you in.
Because I am a lover.

Deciding to Go Back to School

I’ve decided to begin finally working toward my PhD. It is so time.

I think a lot of the angst I’ve been feeling in my life in recent years has been because of not working toward this goal that I’ve been delaying for 15 years.

15 years, people.

Now, in my defense, part of that was by choice with my decision to have a kid when I did and to stay home with him and all that jazz. I mean, I had my reasons for waiting.

But it’s been 15 years now.

15 freaking years.

And my life is reaching a point where I need to do this thing. Being at the Lutheran School of Theology at Chicago (LSTC) for #decolonize16 just lit that fire under me like, *yowzer.*

I’ve had my eye on that seminary since I was a student at Valpo. I’ve wanted to go to LSTC for over 15 years.

15 years.

I actually broke down and cried in the admissions office when I was talking with the Director of Admissions about my hopes and dreams for my PhD.

“I’ve just always wanted to go here,” I balled.

Oh, the tears. Oh, the longing of my heart.

But I need a Master’s degree first…so I’m looking at my options on that and praying and talking with my spouse about how we’re going to figure this out. We’re going to have to reshuffle some things. I don’t know what will have to give, but I’m tired of the thing that gives being my dreams.

I was so scared of coming home and talking about this. Like, I want to make this dream a reality, but I didn’t know if life and the universe and circumstances would let me. And y’all, I know my husband is a gentle man, a loving, supportive spouse, a man who celebrates me and wants me to shine, but I was scared of telling him about my sense of urgency for this. I was scared he would tell me no, not now.

But, I tell you, David, my David continues to amaze me. I mean, freaking amaze me.

He didn’t flinch. Not once.

And I feel silly about this as I so often do when I realize that the main thing holding me back is my own self.

I’m sorry, self. I will try to do better living authentic me-ness.

I’m sorry David, I will try to trust you better. You told me when we married that you knew I would grow and change and you were ready for it–that you were all in and braced for it and excited to ride that ride with me and you have stayed true to that–so true.

So, this PhD thing is getting in motion, friends. I’m going back to school.