My mind is cluttered today with a burning issue. A clever thought would be to write about what is burning on my mind, right?
Except, no.
You see, I keep putting myself out here online and I try to be honest and vulnerable, but there are still things I hold back.
Dear internet, I don’t tell you everything, but I hope we can still be friends.
Maybe I could trust you with this but I’m not ready yet.
And maybe one day I will tell you more.
Then again, maybe I won’t.
You see, there is this thorn in my side, my besetting sin, my great downfall in life, that I don’t dare bring to the bright lights of the big internet. I don’t dare.
I alluded to it in my The Home of the Brave post at Life & Liberty. And, as noted there, I have people in my life that I can talk to about it. So, I am not alone in facing this demon.
But this is an awfully ugly demon. I would say it is even uglier than my pride, about which, dear internet, you were very gracious when I admitted to it.
But the costs of sharing about this one are too great. I find it wisest and best to keep this one more guarded.
And it all sounds so horrifying to say it like this. Oh internet, there’s this one thing that I won’t tell you because it’s so awful—because I’m so awful.
And I do often feel like if people really knew this about me then I would lose a lot of respect.
But here’s the thing, even this, my greatest failing, this does not define me.
I don’t say that cavalierly, as if, hey, it’s no big deal, I’m not that bad.
Because I am that bad.
It’s just that I know, I trust, I believe that my God is bigger and better than all the bad I am.
One of the times I come back to again and again in my spiritual life as proof that God is bigger than my mess is the time God was with me in the muck. I was waste-deep in my own folly, but God was there when no one else could hear. God got me out of the muck when no one else could help me.
And I know, I trust, I believe that his goodness in and through me is my true destiny.
And so, I talk with my God and those trusted others about this great struggle. And with God’s help, I work through it, sometimes around it, and I hope to grow from it over time.
Meanwhile, I yield to God’s love for me, I receive his goodness, and I live into my belovedness. I come to him, feeling flawed and fallen, and I let him lift me up.
He sets me on my feet, bold to stand, bold to speak and write and serve and show his love to others.
And I pray this for you too, that whatever drags you down in life, makes you feel scared to even mention, I pray that you will experience God’s bigness and goodness and your forgiveness and belovedness in him.
Jennifer Clark Tinker 