I’ve decided to begin finally working toward my PhD. It is so time.
I think a lot of the angst I’ve been feeling in my life in recent years has been because of not working toward this goal that I’ve been delaying for 15 years.
15 years, people.
Now, in my defense, part of that was by choice with my decision to have a kid when I did and to stay home with him and all that jazz. I mean, I had my reasons for waiting.
But it’s been 15 years now.
15 freaking years.
And my life is reaching a point where I need to do this thing. Being at the Lutheran School of Theology at Chicago (LSTC) for #decolonize16 just lit that fire under me like, *yowzer.*
I’ve had my eye on that seminary since I was a student at Valpo. I’ve wanted to go to LSTC for over 15 years.
I actually broke down and cried in the admissions office when I was talking with the Director of Admissions about my hopes and dreams for my PhD.
“I’ve just always wanted to go here,” I balled.
Oh, the tears. Oh, the longing of my heart.
But I need a Master’s degree first…so I’m looking at my options on that and praying and talking with my spouse about how we’re going to figure this out. We’re going to have to reshuffle some things. I don’t know what will have to give, but I’m tired of the thing that gives being my dreams.
I was so scared of coming home and talking about this. Like, I want to make this dream a reality, but I didn’t know if life and the universe and circumstances would let me. And y’all, I know my husband is a gentle man, a loving, supportive spouse, a man who celebrates me and wants me to shine, but I was scared of telling him about my sense of urgency for this. I was scared he would tell me no, not now.
But, I tell you, David, my David continues to amaze me. I mean, freaking amaze me.
He didn’t flinch. Not once.
And I feel silly about this as I so often do when I realize that the main thing holding me back is my own self.
I’m sorry, self. I will try to do better living authentic me-ness.
I’m sorry David, I will try to trust you better. You told me when we married that you knew I would grow and change and you were ready for it–that you were all in and braced for it and excited to ride that ride with me and you have stayed true to that–so true.
So, this PhD thing is getting in motion, friends. I’m going back to school.