Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Creating Words

I’ve been getting up early in the morning to write. And I like it.

This is big. Really big. I’ve been a nite owl–thought to be incurable–for nearly all my life.

I never knew I could be the kind of person to enjoy mornings so much, but I do. I love the morning now. I love being awake before everyone else and doing my own thing for a spell.

More specifically, I like the feeling of purpose that getting up to write gives me. I have so many words–oh so many–and I want them live somewhere. So getting up to write gives me that sense of honoring myself by giving my words a place to exist, to be free, to have their day in the sun. Well, not literally in the sun because the sun isn’t out yet. It’s just an expression, you know?

I’m working to add other times during my day to write too because, like I say–oh so many words. I have stories and prose and poems and songs that all clamor to emerge to the light, and I’m committed to giving them each their day.

I don’t know if I could enumerate all the works I have considered writing. Even those I have determined I will certainly write is a vast number. Oh so many words, and oh so many works.

There’s a hymn called, “How Great Thou Art,” that has a line that says, “When I in awesome wonder, consider all the works thy hand hath made…” (emphasis mine). And in the hymnal I grew up using, there was an asterisk by “works,” that led to a note, saying, “or worlds.”

I’ve always had a little fascination with this, but never researched it. Somehow I’ve just always intuited that it makes sense that these could be interchangeable because a big part of God’s work is that of creating worlds. Noteworthy too is that God used words to speak worlds into existence.

I told someone on a recent evening that I was getting up early the next morning. They asked me whether I had to work. Without stopping to explain that I would be writing and I was between paid gigs, I simply said, “yes.” It felt good to recognize my writing as work. I am, after all, creating worlds with my words.

I Don’t Drink, Don’t Smoke…but Not Why You Think

I’m not a big drinker and I’ve never tried so much as a puff of a cigarette. I haven’t said much about all this because what I have come to see is that my Position on drinking and smoking is less about Principle and more about Propensities.

To put it another way, I don’t drink much or smoke at all because I think if I did more of the one and even tried the other, well, I think I’d like it. Too much.

What I share here as to my reasons is very personal and not meant to point a finger at anyone else. For all I know, I’m the only person who’s had such little experience with substances yet craves them something fierce.

Somehow though, I keep feeling like it is something I need (want?) to share. And, you know, I’m on the internet now and my life is an open book anyway.

Over time I have had Good Reasons not to Do Substances. When I was underage, both were, of course, Illegal. As I dabbled in fundamentalist Christian thought, it was rather convenient to forego these substances because I was taught they were Sinful. And regardless of one’s age there are certainly Risks involved.

But those Reasons have faded over time. I’m old enough now that they are Legal, I no longer universally see their use as a Sin Issue, and I know plenty of people who are relatively Responsible about occasional enjoyment of these substances from time to time.

What remains for me personally a Stumbling Block about drinking and smoking though is the Addictive Nature of alcohol and tobacco because I sense in my body the very real and present possibility of Getting Hooked.

I have just enough sorrows that are just enough exacerbated by my stupid depression that I want to Drown Them All. Alcohol especially would be soooo easy…so easy.

My husband picked up a case of beer the other day and he put a few bottles in the fridge.

High Life?

Every time I so much as see the bottles there when I open the fridge, I feel a rush, a craving, a longing…a desire to Drown All The Everything. I want to grab a bottle and feel it course through me.

But I know me…and I know that times I’ve given into that a little, I’ve wanted to keep giving into it.

In this one area of my life, my tendency to Think Too Much has been a benefit to me. My self-awareness of how much I want to indulge has always nagged me enough to stop drinking before I’ve had too many and not even try smoking.

This part is delicate, so I want to tread lightly here, but I also have family history that stands as a warning sign to me. I know that these Propensities can run in families, so I have been especially Vigilant in my own life.

I don’t claim some moral high ground for my choices in these matters. If anything, I feel somehow weaker than others that I can’t just have one drink without Overthinking Every Sip.

But knowledge is power, and I do indeed know myself on this matter which is why I don’t drink and I don’t smoke.