Posts Tagged ‘Writing’

10 Dec

Eat, Sleep, Preach: A Deaconess in Depression

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Brokenness. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

My depression is knocking me down this week. The will to do anything is elusive. My sense of worth is shot.

It’s not rational it just is.

You can’t talk me out of it.

I can’t even talk me out of it.

I’ve had my ups and downs over time and I’ve been on a bit of an upswing lately–feeling good about my writing and podcasting and all that good stuff.

It was in an upswing that I decided to finally start writing for real. I was tired of letting my depression hold me back in life and tell me I wasn’t good enough and didn’t have enough to say. I told my depression to go straight to hell and I was going to do this thing.

But that damned depression is creeping up again.

I mean, there’s the normal-people self-doubt and comparison trap that I get into sometimes and those bring me down, but there’s always something or someone that helps snap me out of those.

But this week–I’ve just been a mess and there’s nothing that can snap me out of it. I’m just a tear-stained, frumpy-clothed mess.

AdventPreaching2013And I hate this part of my story.

I much prefer the part of my story in which I’m the shiny-happy preaching Deaconess. (See photo.)

I’ve heard people criticize social media because of the way that people carefully curate their image–showing only their good sides, posting only the favorable photos, sharing only the triumphant moments.

To be sure, I want you to know about my highs! I want to tell you about my latest podcast that I’m proud of! I want you to see the action shot of me preaching.

But you deserve to know about today and the other days like it. About how I didn’t want to get out of bed. About how I stayed in my pajamas until I got the text that my husband was on his way home for lunch. And about how when my husband got home for lunch he cooked and loaded the dishwasher while I sat in a corner in the kitchen and wept and poured out my tale of woe.

I want to be honest about the whole of this life of mine. I’m the preaching Deaconess and the lady who doesn’t want to get up until after noon.

I know my depression isn’t the worst in the world. I did make it out of bed, so that’s something.

And the fact that I’m at this keyboard is because, as I told my journal today, if I can do nothing else, I will write about my damn depression. Because I’m doing this writing thing no matter what.

God knows there is so much more I want–and need–to write about. There’s so much to say I could burst sometimes.

I don’t want to write about my depression, but it is the elephant in the room right now and it takes too much energy to ignore it. It won’t let me think of anything else right now. So I’m writing about it. Because I’m doing this writing thing.

Photo by: Melissa Wickel

3 Dec

How Being “Relevant” Eludes Me

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community, Vocation. Tagged: , , , , , , .

photo

This is my view at my bistro table on the porch where I do a lot of my thinking, reading and writing.

One of my biggest challenges as a creative type is that of being “relevant” with my content. I fail at relevance on at least two counts, but I still want to believe what I say matters.

Relevance Fail #1

My first and most obvious failure to be relevant is related to what a theologian reportedly taught his students: to examine life with the Bible in one hand and the newspaper in the other. I’m sure that is brilliant, but, as my mother would say, “it’s not my gift.”

Maybe it should be my gift. But it isn’t.

The thing is, it takes me a long time to consume media and truly process it in such a way to be able to say or write something meaningful about it:

  • In my 30+ years of exposure to the Bible, I still have only begun to scratch the surface.
  • I still listen to music that I got in my teens and early twenties–not because I’m afraid to try new music, but because I’m still avidly enjoying the old stuff.
  • There are books that I read 10 and 20 years ago that I am just now mining for deeper insights than ever before–I’m nowhere near finished processing them.

I’m still dwelling on ancient holy writings, vintage music, and books from yesteryear. Shallow treatment of ideas, texts or other media is not in my nature. As an introvert I go deep with each source rather than branching widely into numerous outlets.

I’m not saying I ignore current events. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that my brain won’t hold pages and pages of the latest news on top of everything else I am still processing.

In my human limitations I have to pick and choose the sources with which I go deep and those that I skim over or ignore. If I ever seem aloof, it is because my brain is deeply engaged in mulling over old information instead of absorbing the latest tidbits.

I fail at relevance because I don’t react to current events in a timely & meaningful way.

Relevance Fail #2

The other way that relevance eludes me is just in general trying to figure out what my readers (or potential readers) want to read and being able to deliver it.

I mean, I have a ton of ideas about what I want to write about. But I just never know what’s going to resonate with people.

I know other bloggers have dealt with this too, the idea that something you think is brilliant gets only a cool reception whereas something you just dash off quickly gets shared all over the place.

This is also a struggle for me because what I’m doing on the blog is, at least in part, a coming of age. Much of what is here is just me blabbing about my issues, my preoccupations, my fear of being irrelevant, etc. I want this space to be for us, but many times I need it to be for me.

So, I fail at relevance again because my content ends up being more self-serving than might be helpful. And when I try to be helpful to others, I’m still uncertain what to write about.

Reason to Hope

It’s possible, despite my relevance-challenges, that what I write and say can still matter:

  • The very depth with which I engage media actually serves me well in providing troves of ideas for what to write about. My constant thinking and processing of old information often leads to creative insights in the here and now.
  • Even though I’m not always quite sure what my readers need, I am listening. I may not be relevant by nature, but I am very relational. By being where people are and engaging with them I get a better sense of what they need.

What has been really cool is that since I started blogging and writing more I’ve been having more interesting conversations. Once I started putting my ideas out there and offering my two cents on just whatever I have gotten into great discussions with folks.

I’m finding new depths of engagement with people–even those I know best in my life. Just by putting myself out here in some way I have become more incarnational, more present to people.

Even if I am still processing old information and tossing around my own personal baggage, I’m here.

I’m showing up and making myself available. And I’m pretty sure that matters.

29 Nov

Paths as Yet Untrod

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Vocation. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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Lord God, you have called your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrod, through perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with courage, not knowing where we go, but only that your hand is leading us and your love supporting us; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

—Lutheran Book of Worship

I know I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had quite a bit of transition in my life as a pastor’s wife–we’re in our fourth state in 18 years of marriage. And yet…I would have to say that the transition I’m in right now is every bit as big as a cross-country move even though I’m not literally going anywhere.

But man, am I going places!

If you had told me a year ago that I would have a blog that I actually had the guts to write on 2-3 times per week, I would have laughed. I tried blogging years ago and it scared me to near-silence to be so exposed online.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be a regular contributor at somebody’s podcast, I would not have believed you. Actually, I would have had to ask you to define a podcast.

But I want to be out there now. When I was so scared to use my voice in years past, those were some of my darkest years–made all the darker by not talking about what was going on.

I’ve written before about my desire to be a writer and a speaker. Yes, I know I said I wanted to be “great” too–you’ll be proud of me to know that I’m getting over myself about all that quite a bit.

The dream to write & speak is still there, only I stopped trying to get ahead of myself so much.

I’m taking this season of writing on the blog, guest-blogging, and other writing opportunties, this season of podcasting, preaching here and there, and guest-speaking at small gatherings to continue to hone my voice, develop my craft, and most of all to discern my core message.

I don’t know where all of this is going–as the prayer above says, these are ventures whose end I can’t see and paths which I have not trod. But I don’t have to know where it’s all going to say “yes” to this bit right now.

I truly appreciate each of you who read and encourage me. Thanks for being with me as I use this place to try different styles, play with ideas, and share my heart about life in general.

15 Oct

My Interview with Mary DeMuth

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Inspiration. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

My Interview with Mary DeMuth

On Friday, October 4, I had the opportunity to interview Mary DeMuth, in-person, about her new book, The Wall Around Your Heart: How Jesus Heals You When Others Hurt You. That interview is online now over at Life & Liberty with David Housholder where I am a regular contributor to the podcast/online magazine.

>>>Click here to listen to the interview and to find out more about Mary’s book.<<<

>>>Click here to read my formal review of The Wall Around Your Heart.<<<

Keep reading to find out more about how I got the opportunity to interview Mary and what it is like seeing her in-person. Stay tuned for Friday’s blog post where I will tell you more about my personal impressions of the book.

When I picture meeting someone I admire, I usually think of myself as really small and the person I admire as larger-than-life. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but my brain just does it without asking my permission.

I’ve been reading Mary’s blog: Your Life Uncaged for a while now and I resonate with her message so much about the freedom we can have through Jesus. Many times when I read her posts I feel like she is speaking right into my life, giving me hope and encouraging me to “live free.”

Since I admire Mary so much and her influence on me has been so huge, I expected meeting her to feel a bit intimidating.

But despite the fact that Mary DeMuth is a published author(!), an international speaker(!), and several inches taller than I am, I don’t feel small or intimidated around her at all.

I’ve seen her twice now. When we first met over the summer she immediately spoke with me as though I was a real person of value, not just some silly fan. She asked me about podcasting–something I had done exactly once for Life & Liberty at that point. But she had never done any podcasting, so she wanted to know what it was like!

It was at the first encounter with Mary that I learned about The Wall Around Your Heart and the upcoming opportunity to be on her launch team for it. When the opportunity came to apply for the launch team, I filled out my application right away. Then I tried to put it out of my mind as I did not take for granted that I would be chosen.

But one week later–on a day when I really needed some good news–I received the e-mail that I had been selected to be on the launch team!

Mary then posted a notice to everyone on the launch team inviting our ideas about how to get the word out about the book. She said no idea was too crazy.

Since she had taken particular interest in my podcasting, and since Life & Liberty has a way bigger reach than my personal blog, I pitched her the idea about bringing her on the podcast for an interview.

TascamMary loved the idea of coming on the podcast!

So then I just had to clear it with David Housholder–you know, the guy in charge of the podcast. He was cool with it, but if I was serious about doing interviews, then he said I really needed to get a Tascam. It’s “state of the art,” he said.

So, I got my Tascam and started practicing with it so I would be ready for the interview with Mary.

When I confirmed the interview with Mary over e-mail, she reiterated her interest in learning from moi about podcasting!

Our second meeting was the day of the interview and, once again, she put me at ease and treated me with respect. It felt like I was just hanging out with an old friend. I actually kind-of forgot to be all fanatical around her. I was just myself.

When we sat down for the interview I showed her how to adjust the levels on the Tascam to make sure that especially loud vocalizations would not sound distorted. It was really affirming to get to share some of my own “expert” knowledge with someone I appreciate so much.

From now on, I have a new standard for what it means to spend time with someone I admire. Mary has changed that for me. In addition to having a message that I resonate with, and writing and speaking credentials that I only wish I had, she is also kind and affirming to others–and that is truly admirable.

I hope you will click over and listen to the interview I had with Mary. I think this book is really important and will be sharing more about why think so on Friday.

What about you? Have you ever met someone you admired? What was it like for you?

31 May

Am I Destined for Greatness or Barely Competent?

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Brokenness, Inspiration. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

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Bestow on us the mind of Christ that we neither think more highly of ourselves than we ought to think, Nor deprecate ourselves in unbelief, calling common what you have called clean.

The Deaconess Litany of the Lutheran Deaconess Association

~ ~ ~

We as Deaconesses receive a copy of the Deaconess Litany when we begin our Deaconess studies. We’re encouraged to pray it on Monday nights in our various contexts. Like many things in life I struggle to be consistent in praying this litany every Monday. But the portion quoted above is the one I know best and think about most often.

The two concerns raised–the pride of thinking too highly of ourselves and the timidity of thinking too little of ourselves are both distorted self-perceptions. They seem to be opposing views, yet I find myself falling into one then the other in short succession.

When I was in high school, one summer I went to the Senior High Week at Camp Mowana, a Lutheran church camp in Ohio. One of the afternoon activities was a creative writing session. I went to it everyday because I wanted to be a writer.

I loved those creative-writing sessions. I loved sitting on the veranda of the dining lodge with my feet up and my big red spiral notebook in my lap, just writing to my heart’s content. It felt so right.

I already felt I wanted to be a writer and that experience at camp just reaffirmed it. By the end of that week at camp, I was so bold as to tell my fellow creative-writing campers that I was going to be “a great theological writer.” I wasn’t just hoping to be a writer, I was certain I would be “great”!

I still think about writing. I still want to be a writer. And if I’m being honest, I’d still like to be great. Only now, I want to be a great writer and a great speaker. You know, I don’t ask for much.

Then, of course, I feel awful for this desire to be great. I’m a Deaconess–a woman with a heart for serving others–what am I thinking with all this talk of my own greatness?

So then, I try to look at my gifts objectively. And I try to think like a servant. How can I serve others with the gifts that God has given me? Are there less grand ways that I can use my gifts of writing and speaking to benefit others? Are there less public gifts of mine that I am overlooking?

But all too easily an “honest” assessment of my gifts turns into discounting everything that I think about doing. Maybe I’m not achieving greatness for the simple reason that I’m not really as good at writing and speaking as I think.

Maybe the struggle to find my voice on my blog is because I am not really cut out for this writing thing to begin with. Maybe I don’t get as many speaking engagements as I’d like because what I have to say just doesn’t matter to others.

Maybe I should stick to my less public gifts. But then maybe I’m not that good at those either.

So which is it? Am I destined for greatness or am I barely competent? The portion of the prayer I quoted is instructive on this: neither extreme is acceptable. Boasting about how great I am going to be is wrong. And disrespecting the unique gifts that I have been given is also wrong.

Trying to have a healthy perspective on who I am and what I have to offer is very much a work-in-progress for me. I don’t claim to have worked this out in the least. The prayer above asks for “the mind of Christ” as a means to help us avoid the extremes of self-image. In a future post I want to explore more what that means.

In the mean time, I’d love to hear from you. Do you struggle with too high or too low of a self-perception? Do you swing between the extremes?

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