Posts Tagged ‘Serving’

2 Aug

Leaders: Are You Too Sexy for Your Church? So Sexy it Hurts?

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Brokenness, Community. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Too Sexy for Church

One of my pet peeves among ministry colleagues is when they say, “I know it’s not the most sexy aspect of ministry,” about some unsung part of church-work. It has become a popular turn of phrase–almost a cliche–to talk about something in terms of how “sexy” it is.

Colleagues I know and deeply respect have said it. I won’t name names and I’ve lost track of who and how many. Just if you happen to be one, I’d like to suggest that you stop using the term “sexy” to refer to anything related to church or ministry. What follows are my reasons.

 

Four Reasons Faith Leaders Shouldn’t Use the Term “Sexy”

 

1. Stop the Obsession

Our culture is bombarded enough already with sex in advertising, sexual innuendo, sexual harassment, and sexual abuse. Too much. We as church-workers can do ministry just fine without making it look “sexy.”

It’s true that some aspects of ministry may seem a little ho-hum, but even the great moments don’t have to be “sexy” to be worthwhile.

There are so many other ways to describe ministry highlights: mountaintop experience, a holy moment, a God thing, serendipitous, great teamwork, etc. Please try saying what you want to say a different way.

 

2. Keep it Safe

Associating ministry with sex at all is just disturbing. People need church to be a safe environment not a sexualized one.

Unfortunately, sexual abuse by faith leaders happens.

Oftentimes predatory faith leaders will “groom” others beginning with small, seemingly innocent words or touch to desensitize them to the wrongness of their advances. Other times faith leaders will promise that sexualized talk or touch will have a spiritual benefit for the parishioner.

These behaviors are way out of bounds and just plain wrong. Faith leaders should never attempt to sexualize their relationship with parishioners in any way.

 

3. Words Mean Something

So you’re not a predator, you’re not “grooming” anyone. To you it’s just an analogy. But what you think of as a harmless analogy may trigger unwanted sexual thoughts for others.

I get that people use this term without intending to sexualize the church environment, but words matter and you can’t just throw around the term “sexy” without somebody thinking about sex.

And by “somebody,” I admit I am one; I’m very visual and yes, I’m going to go there in my mind…and I won’t hear another word you say.

 

4. Stop the Objectification

I don’t even like the term “sexy” when it would be more fitting because it represents a highly objectified view of sex.

I teach my son not to refer to others as “hotties” or as “sexy” because those terms treat people like objects.

Saying someone is “sexy” is saying, “I want to have sex with that person.” Such an announcement is often made with no appreciation for the personhood of the one desired or a relational context for the fantasized consummation.

Sure, most people want to be seen as attractive, even desirable, but we’re whole beings, not just play things.

 

I’m not opposed to sex. And I’m not saying that the subject should be off limits in church; in fact I think there are good and helpful ways to talk about healthy sexuality in our parishes. I just don’t think the term “sexy” accomplishes what it is intended to accomplish when used to refer to church or ministry happenings. The term itself is just a little too sexy for church–so sexy it hurts.

16 May

Receiving Others as Gifts: Working Together

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community, Vocation. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

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One of the ways that we are gifts to one another is when we team up to do something that we could not do alone. Sometimes we directly serve one another as I wrote about in the post about mutuality, but many times we serve alongside one another to accomplish a larger purpose.

Our collaborative “work” may be in the home, at church, in a volunteer organization, or for paid employment. Wherever we are, when we work together, we are not only gifts to one another but we are gifts to the people and organizations we serve.

In this continuation of my series on Receiving Others as Gifts, I am suggesting four conditions that facilitate working together: empowerment, trust, accountability, and communication. In what follows, I’ll say more about each one.

 

1. Empowerment

Working together is at its best when each person is empowered to operate in his or her unique strengths. Part of the joy of working in teams is that different people can specialize in different facets of the work as each is gifted.

Okay, of course, most jobs require us to operate in some or our less-strong areas to get the job done. For example, I don’t love making phone calls, but sometimes I have to.

Still, when individuals can, for the most part specialize, everyone is genuinely engaged and invested because each gets to do what each loves doing. This benefits the project, organization or cause because it maximizes the time, energy, and expertise of the people involved.

 

2. Trust

Working relationships require a basic level of trust. It’s best to assume people are trustworthy in their roles and tasks unless they prove you otherwise. When trust is present, we can each move forward in our unique roles trusting that others will do the same.

Greater levels of trust can be earned when people fulfill their roles well and demonstrate faithfulness and commitment to the project or organization. Over time, as more trust is earned, the working relationship can strengthen.

When we trust others, it means not worrying whether they’ll do what they said. It also means not micromanaging what they do. These behaviors ultimately only weaken the organization and erode trust over time.

 

3. Accountability

An empowered and high trust work environment also needs high accountability. Remaining open to questions and receiving feedback graciously helps keep the work on track.

Of course, arbitrary and negative criticism is destructive and not what true accountability is about. Accountability, rather, can be thought of as check-points to support one another.

True accountability reaffirms the goals and values of the work at hand in a positive way. It then helps people reflect on how they are doing with their parts in the work.

 

4. Communication

Last, but not least, strong communication is essential for collaboration to be at its fullest. Keeping one another up-to-date about challenges and changes ensures that everyone is tackling the right job at the right time and with the right information.

When problems do arise, clearly and graciously naming the problem and talking together about solutions is the best policy. Pretending a problem isn’t there and not discussing is hurtful to the organization.

It is important to communicate affirmation in a working relationship as well as communicate about difficulties. Offering sincere and specific encouragement to one another contributes to a positive atmosphere in the organization.

 

Through empowering others to use their unique strengths, trusting one another to follow through, remaining accountable to each other and communicating openly, we can establish a strong working situation. We can then receive one another as gifts as we collaborate, working together with joy.

 

Read all the posts in the Receiving Others as Gifts series:

7 Apr

My Turn to Receive Service…

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community. Tagged: , , , , , .

Changing Tire

Driving home from errands I got a flat tire…

I knew what to do. I had everything under control, but people kept trying to help me!

I was not just some “damsel in distress.”

Or was I?

My latest podcast for Life & Liberty explores my thoughts and feelings about this experience and what it was like for me to receive service I wasn’t sure I needed.

Click the picture above to go to the podcast.

28 Mar

Receiving Others as Gifts: Remembering Their Giftliness (Not Taking People for Granted)

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Giftliness

 

This is the third in my series about “Receiving Others as Gifts.” <– Click the series title to see all posts in the series.

When I first wrote here about the topic of receiving others as gifts I mentioned the potential of the gift analogy breaking down into thinking of others as objects. When we push the gift analogy too far and reduce people to “things” we run the risk of taking other people for granted.

I felt this difficulty with the gift analogy as I wrote the previous two entries as I wrote about the value of others. I never want it to sound like I’m urging us to commodify other people in our lives. People are not objects and we should never treat them as “things” to which we are entitled.

I’d like to take some space here to address pitfalls to avoid in how we think of the “giftliness” of others as it relates to receiving their service and companionship.

Are You Being Served?
In my first post of this series I made the case that we often have trouble receiving service from others—and I stand by that analysis—but there is also another tendency that can threaten our relationships with others. Namely, we run the risk of allowing others to do all the heavy lifting for us.

I won’t speak for anyone else, but I know that for me there is a real danger to sit back and rather enjoy being served—selfishly allowing others to do for me what I could easily do for myself. And I can justify it, you know, just to give the other person the joy of serving!

But when we turn the idea of receiving service into asking or allowing someone else do our every bidding, then we have crossed the line. At that point we are no longer honoring the gift that they are to us, we are using them in the worst sense of the term.

Look Who’s Talking
In last week’s post about companionship I talked about how others can help us through difficult times and how they can encourage our best. The nagging thought came to me that this ran the risk of thinking of relationships in terms of just what we can get out of it.

Again, not speaking for anyone else, but for me personally, I know that I like to talk, I like to be heard. If someone I truly trust is especially willing to listen I am especially willing to pour my heart out. Later, when I recognize it, I feel embarrassed if I didn’t inquire much about the other person or if I talked considerably more than I listened.

We hurt relationships when we only think of our companions in terms of what their support means for us. We miss the sheer giftliness of other people when we use up all our time with them for our own needs.

All Good Gifts
When gifts are so plentiful as are our fellow servants and companions along life’s way, it can take special mindfulness to continue to hold others in high regard. If we’re not careful, we too easily go the way of the child in anticipation of a birthday who forgets manners in anticipation of the presents he expects.

And so, for all I have said so far and will continue to say about the gift that others are, as with all good gifts we do well not to take them for granted.

Read all the posts in the Receiving Others as Gifts series:

14 Mar

Receiving Others as Gifts: Mutuality in Giving & Receiving

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community, Leadership. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

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This is the first post in my new series about “Receiving Others as Gifts.” For background to this series, please read the introduction from last week: Introducing a New Series on Receiving Others as Gifts. To see all of my blog posts related to this subject, check out the tag: Others as Gifts.

I love the Kenneth Bailey video on footwashing that I posted back in November. I love everything about that video really. But most especially meaningful to me was how he made the case for how radical footwashing is and then how he lifted out the verse about how we ought to wash one anothers’ feet!

Bailey talked about the power dynamics at play when service is rendered. The idea was that service as we are called to is often from a position of power–the one has something the other needs–the giver is the one with the power.

Bailey rightly points out the danger of using service as a power play.

The way to guard against the power dynamics getting out of hand , then, is to wash one anothers’ feet–for each one to take turns both giving service to and receiving service from one another.

When it comes to receiving others as gifts, I think this idea of mutual giving & receiving is really important. The temptation to always be the one giving is great in our busy world.

We don’t want someone else to be put out. And we certainly don’t want to feel like we owe someone for some service they’ve rendered!

No, we’d rather be the ones doing the giving, doing the serving, doing that thing that puts someone else in our debt. Oh, of course, we don’t expect them to repay us–but that only heightens the sense of indebtedness that the one served may feel.

The most profound act of service we can render is to receive service from another, to lay down our need to be large and in charge and to humble ourselves enough to allow another to be or do for us something that we cannot do or be on our own.

Admitting that we can’t be all things to all people is often scary. To own our limitations and our neediness is not comfortable or automatic. It is a deliberate choice to drop our sense of superiority, to drop our self-centeredness, and to allow someone else to be greater or more central to us than we’d like.

Another feature of that Bailey video mentioned above is he calls attention to the bond that is formed when service is given and received. The two parties are brought into closer relationship by the service given and received.

We can choose to decline the service offered to us–I mean, we may not always need what is offered at exactly the time and place it is being offered. But to decline the service of others is to distance ourselves from those offering it.

We may have our reasons to decline, but it is wise to be aware of the cost. If we continually deny others the opportunity to serve us we may find ourselves in total isolation.

We may end up so far removed from others as to have no meaningful, sustaining community on which to rely when we eventually realize that we need it.

Plus, if we allow ourselves to become isolated by refusing to be served, then we’ll have no one left who needs or relies on us! Our own best service will be useless if we have no one close enough to us to receive what we have to offer.

I’m convinced that we need each other in this life. We need the gifts and service of others and they need ours too. This mutual giving and receiving is part of God’s original intent for us and Jesus affirms it.

May we be blessed by and be a blessing to others through our serving one another.

 

Read all the posts in the Receiving Others as Gifts series:

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