Posts Tagged ‘Respect’

7 Nov

2 Powerful Lessons About Keeping a Group Together

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community, Leadership. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

My son and I were soaked to the bone from the Cub Scout hike, but still had a great time!

My son and I are getting ready to go home after our first Cub Scout hike together. Despite the nearly-constant rain on the hike we had a great time and we learned about leadership in the process.

Last month I had the privilege of going with my son a Cub Scout hike. On the hike, the Den Leader taught the boys two important lessons about how to keep a group together on a hike. I’d like to tell you about those lessons and how they tie in with some of my own thinking about decision making by consensus.

The First Lesson

The hike began with us walking down a stony path to a clearing. When we got to the clearing the Den Leader stopped the group and waited for everyone to catch up.

Then the Den Leader asked the group who was the slowest hiker. It seemed to me an awkward question–I mean, who wants to be known as the slow kid?

But the purpose of asking, the leader explained, was because “we don’t leave anyone behind.” Therefore the slowest hiker was called upon to lead the group, to set the pace.

I loved this so much because here all of suddenly the slowest hiker got a confidence boost by being in a leadership role!

The Second Lesson

Right after the lead hiker was chosen, the Den Leader instructed the lead hiker on a dialog to begin the hike. He was to ask the group, “Is anyone not ready?”

Of course this is very different than we’re used to. We usually ask it like “Are you ready?” or “Is everyone ready?”

It seems like the same question just asked a different way. But that different way of asking the question is actually much better at finding what you need to know!

Since it was already established that “we don’t leave anyone behind,” it is important to know if someone in the group is not ready to go forward. So the quickest way to find out is to ask directly if anyone is not ready!

The Den Leader explained that when you ask something like, “Is everyone ready?” instead, then the voices of those who are ready all-too-easily drown out the voices of the few who are not. This puts those who are not ready in jeopardy of being left behind.

Connections with Consensus Model

These two lessons–about having the slowest hiker be first and about checking on whoever is not ready–remind me a lot of what I have studied about the process of making decisions by consensus. I have mentioned my work with that on behalf of my Deaconess community in a previous post.

One of the essential aspects of my Deaconess community’s practice in decision making by consensus is the idea that we honor the input from everyone in the group–and especially those who are most vulnerable.

In consensus-based decision making, we’re not trying to carry on at all costs. We don’t want to leave anyone behind!

Just as in the Cub Scout hike the slow hiker was invited to lead, so in the consensus model the one who is most vulnerable is invited to teach the group a different perspective. New proposals can then be crafted that take this new perspective into account.

Another principle we are trying to put into practice in my Deaconess community’s use of the consensus model is the idea of asking questions the different way. When the group seems close to adopting a new proposal we are learning to ask, “Are there any concerns about this proposal?”

The momentum of the majority of the group toward a decision makes it easy to want to ask, “Do we have agreement?” But just like on the Cub Scout hike, the “yes” answers too easily drown out the voices of those who are “not ready” to move forward.

Taking the time to check for remaining concerns may sometimes be a mere formality when, in fact, everyone is actually ready. But in the times when someone is truly not ready to move on a decision, that is vital information for the group so that noone gets drowned out and left behind.

I love that my son is getting these lessons in scouts. I want him to be attuned to the vulnerable, to those at risk of being left behind. And these powerful lessons are valuable for us grown-ups too!

Note to regular readers: If you’re watching the “How Christian Community Helps Us Face Challenges” posts, you can expect a new one next week.

15 Oct

My Interview with Mary DeMuth

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Inspiration. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

My Interview with Mary DeMuth

On Friday, October 4, I had the opportunity to interview Mary DeMuth, in-person, about her new book, The Wall Around Your Heart: How Jesus Heals You When Others Hurt You. That interview is online now over at Life & Liberty with David Housholder where I am a regular contributor to the podcast/online magazine.

>>>Click here to listen to the interview and to find out more about Mary’s book.<<<

>>>Click here to read my formal review of The Wall Around Your Heart.<<<

Keep reading to find out more about how I got the opportunity to interview Mary and what it is like seeing her in-person. Stay tuned for Friday’s blog post where I will tell you more about my personal impressions of the book.

When I picture meeting someone I admire, I usually think of myself as really small and the person I admire as larger-than-life. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but my brain just does it without asking my permission.

I’ve been reading Mary’s blog: Your Life Uncaged for a while now and I resonate with her message so much about the freedom we can have through Jesus. Many times when I read her posts I feel like she is speaking right into my life, giving me hope and encouraging me to “live free.”

Since I admire Mary so much and her influence on me has been so huge, I expected meeting her to feel a bit intimidating.

But despite the fact that Mary DeMuth is a published author(!), an international speaker(!), and several inches taller than I am, I don’t feel small or intimidated around her at all.

I’ve seen her twice now. When we first met over the summer she immediately spoke with me as though I was a real person of value, not just some silly fan. She asked me about podcasting–something I had done exactly once for Life & Liberty at that point. But she had never done any podcasting, so she wanted to know what it was like!

It was at the first encounter with Mary that I learned about The Wall Around Your Heart and the upcoming opportunity to be on her launch team for it. When the opportunity came to apply for the launch team, I filled out my application right away. Then I tried to put it out of my mind as I did not take for granted that I would be chosen.

But one week later–on a day when I really needed some good news–I received the e-mail that I had been selected to be on the launch team!

Mary then posted a notice to everyone on the launch team inviting our ideas about how to get the word out about the book. She said no idea was too crazy.

Since she had taken particular interest in my podcasting, and since Life & Liberty has a way bigger reach than my personal blog, I pitched her the idea about bringing her on the podcast for an interview.

TascamMary loved the idea of coming on the podcast!

So then I just had to clear it with David Housholder–you know, the guy in charge of the podcast. He was cool with it, but if I was serious about doing interviews, then he said I really needed to get a Tascam. It’s “state of the art,” he said.

So, I got my Tascam and started practicing with it so I would be ready for the interview with Mary.

When I confirmed the interview with Mary over e-mail, she reiterated her interest in learning from moi about podcasting!

Our second meeting was the day of the interview and, once again, she put me at ease and treated me with respect. It felt like I was just hanging out with an old friend. I actually kind-of forgot to be all fanatical around her. I was just myself.

When we sat down for the interview I showed her how to adjust the levels on the Tascam to make sure that especially loud vocalizations would not sound distorted. It was really affirming to get to share some of my own “expert” knowledge with someone I appreciate so much.

From now on, I have a new standard for what it means to spend time with someone I admire. Mary has changed that for me. In addition to having a message that I resonate with, and writing and speaking credentials that I only wish I had, she is also kind and affirming to others–and that is truly admirable.

I hope you will click over and listen to the interview I had with Mary. I think this book is really important and will be sharing more about why think so on Friday.

What about you? Have you ever met someone you admired? What was it like for you?

30 Aug

The Ministry of Accepting Questions

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community, Inspiration. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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I was in elementary school before my family began attending church on a regular basis. Whereas Lutherans ordinarily baptize infants, I wasn’t baptized until the age of 9, the summer after my third grade year. As a school-aged kid who hadn’t been in church my whole life, I felt like I had a lot of catching up to do to learn about the faith. The attention given to me in my childhood that enabled me to learn more and grow in the Lord, I attribute to the Spirit of God at work.

My usual mode of processing the world is to ask questions, lots of questions. And I’ve been that way since I was a child. So, as I tried to catch up with my peers, I asked a lot of questions about all this God and Jesus stuff.

I am deeply grateful to the Sunday school teachers who fielded these questions. To be honest with you, I don’t remember anymore exactly what questions I asked. What stuck with me though was the sense that it was okay to ask questions.

I mean, if you think about it, there is something rather bold about some kid questioning the very existence of the God of the universe. But one Sunday school teacher after another stuck with me as I tried to get my mind around it all.

One year in particular I remember asking my usual million questions, but it seemed that my questions were beginning to annoy my fellow students. I began to feel self-conscious when I had a question to ask and wondered whether it was worth asking knowing that I was irritating the other kids.

But I asked anyway. And when the other students groaned and begged to get on with class, the teacher, Mrs. Johnson, patiently entertained yet another question from me. I saved a couple of less pressing questions for after class, after the other students had left. Mrs. Johnson gave me the extra time I needed.

When I then apologized to Mrs. Johnson for asking so many questions and for holding up the class, first she told me not to worry about holding up the class. But then she said, “Keep asking questions! That is how you learn!”

When the world might otherwise dismiss a pesky kid, when other kids would rather get on with the lesson, Sunday school teachers like Mrs. Johnson saw me and my questions as valuable. And I just know the hand of God was in that. The love and patience that my teachers showed me were evidence of God at work in their lives.

In turn, the faith that took hold in me is evidence of God at work in my life. My friend, Clint Schnekloth just posted on his blog today about a conversation he had with a mentor about different ways of being in the world. It was an interesting post, but it was something Clint said in the comments that really struck me as I prepared to write this post:

One thing another mentor told me one time: “For some people, there is a division between heart and mind. For you, your mind and heart are the same thing.”

For me, thinking through issues, asking questions and processing things in my head is inextricably linked with what stirs in my heart. So, when I asked questions in Sunday school as a kid and tried to get my mind around who exactly God is, the answers I got and the care I received sparked my life-long and heartfelt journey of living faith.

5 Jul

The More Different We Are, The More We Need Each Other

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Community, Leadership. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

We need each other.

My heart aches for the polarization we have in our country and our church. Really I don’t mind the diversity of perspectives. In fact, a little part of me does a happy dance inside when people engage in respectful discourse. We need more of that because we need each other.

But do we know this? Do we know how much we need each other? I’m afraid we don’t. And the reason why I think we don’t know how much we need each other is because I hear more shouting than meaningful discourse. I see more protests than meetings of minds. And that is why my heart hurts.

What is at stake?

I wrote before about how I am on the fence about a lot of things. And it was sort-of a “woe is me” for being so misunderstood for seemingly not being able to take a stand. But really, I’m sorry for all of us because we’re missing out on what everyone has to offer when we draw lines, and take sides, and demonize everyone who is not and in our camp.

It’s that demonization, that dismissal of the other, that hurts everyone. Sometimes it’s mild enough. “I don’t really like what she says so I’m not going to friend her on Facebook.” Fine. We don’t have to be Facebook friends with everyone. But if we never listen to any of her ideas with an open mind–with a respect for her as a person who has a unique perspective because of where she’s been, who she has known, what she has read, if we dismiss her because something she said once turned us off, then we’re missing out.

Of course, there are more blatant ways that we demonize one another. I’ve heard Christians on
both sides of the marriage issue accuse opponents of not really reading their Bibles. The implication on hot topics is, if you really love Jesus you’ll see things my way. Pick a topic, any topic in which people are deeply divided, and you eventually hear an insistence that those other guys hate God.

But then, we hope to move forward to set policies and make laws. We try to gather enough power to steamroll the infidels in our way. Then, when we get our way, a remnant rises up on the other side. We fear them because what if they gain enough power to undo what we worked so hard to accomplish?

What Else Can We Do?

If we would listen to each other about these things, then our lives would be enriched, and our policies would be enhanced. Our opposition would be our allies and implementation would have widespread support.

Think I’m dreaming? Dream with me!

Last year I was on a task force for my Deaconess community to improve understanding of our decision-making process. A few years ago we took a bold step to stop operating by majority rule and instead to make decisions by consensus. And it is messy. Really messy. And we didn’t know what we were doing and sometimes people got hurt. And the more we did it the less we understood about how to do it well. But I had the stubborn conviction that it mattered very much that we learn to do it better. So I joined the task force and I studied my little head off about it. I’ve learned there are ways, good ways, tried-and-true methods of finding common ground and moving forward in an organization even when there is division.

The fundamental principle in the process of finding common ground is that each person is valuable. The experience and insights of everyone in the group should be honored. And we need to listen most and best to those whose opinions are least like our own. Special deference is even given to those whose ideas are most on the fringe of the group.

We need more of that kind of approach to issues where there is conflict. We need to value each other more than our own agendas. For instance, what might happen if we stop arguing about who should be allowed to get married and instead listen to each other’s wisdom? On the left, a gift you bring is the insistence that gay people are people, worthy of respect. and you make sure we know that their orientation should never be reason to cause them harm. On the right, a gift you bring is the reminder that there is something very sacred at stake–our bodies are temples. And even if you have to concede on something you’ll remind us that, regardless of orientation, promiscuity and infidelity hurt people.

These are gifts! And maybe the gift of people like me who are in the middle is to get everyone talking about how our gifts can inform our policies. I already hear widespread agreement about the points I mentioned. No one I know personally, on either side, says that gay bashing is okay. Also? No one I know personally promotes the idea that promiscuity or infidelity are healthy life choices.

So, what might we be able to agree upon that respects the gifts on each side? Let’s talk more about that because we need each other to move forward in a way that more of us can feel good about. I don’t know what that way forward would look like exactly because I don’t think we’ve ever quite had the discussion framed that way.

Dream with me.

But it’s not just the definition of marriage, there are lots of big issues that divide us. What would happen if we would pick an issue that we’re passionate about and set aside our agenda to see the gift that the other side brings? We’re not sure what that gift might be? Let’s have a loving, gracious, conversation with someone who disagrees. Let’s listen more than we talk. Let’s receive the passionate objection as a gift. And if the person is open to it, we too could share about the gift that we bring. Let’s talk together about where we agree and see where that gets us.

What might happen in all of our relationships if we listen to each other like this? We all have gifts to bring–and we need each other.

This post was included in Elizabeth Esther’s #TreasuryOfSmallBlogs in July 2014! Check out all ten in the treasury:


http://www.elizabethesther.com/2014/07/treasuryofsmallblogs-for-july-2014.html

3 Jun

“I’ll do it myself!” (How Identifying with this Desire Can Help Kids)

Posted by Jennifer Clark Tinker in Family. Tagged: , , , , , .

Adults and Kids Aren't That Different

“I’ll do it myself!”

It can range anywhere from heart-warming to petrifying to hear children in our care say that. But kids are not alone in this desire to do things on their own or in their own way. Perhaps our identification with these feelings can motivate us to give them more autonomy and responsibility.

We as grown-ups know, all too well, the feeling of wanting to stand on our own, to do things our own way:

  • When supervisors hover just a little too much, we squelch the inclination to tell them to, “BACK OFF!”
  • When acquaintances we’re not too sure about find out we’re having a rough day and offer their time in case we need to talk, we politely decline thinking we’ll work through it on our own.
  • When house guests offer to help in ways that make us uncomfortable, we suggest they leave it to us.

If you can identify with any of these scenarios, then you know what I mean. Maybe you can think of other times in your life when you rebuffed someone’s help (or wished you could).

But what about the times our need to do things ourselves interferes with children’s opportunities to make meaningful contributions to what needs done? Sometimes we inadvertently discourage young workers when we say, “You don’t know my system, I’ll just do it myself.” Our need for order, for things to be done our way (aka the right way), can be in direct conflict with kids’ needs to be involved.

In recent months my husband and I noticed that our son was getting away with doing fewer chores than he had before our move to Texas a year ago. We recognized, after the stress of moving, it was easier, in a way, to take care of things ourselves. But the less our son helped, the the more he whined when he was asked to help and complained when housework didn’t just magically happen.

One of the things that our son had helped with before the move was unloading the dishwasher, so we wanted to get him back to that. And since he was a little older we thought he was ready to begin learning to load the dishwasher as well. So, my husband and I made a pact that from then on we would never load or unload the dishwasher without our son involved.

We braced ourselves for the possibility that getting our son more involved with loading the dishwasher meant that it would not always be done “the right way.” I mean, he didn’t know our system! Then again, even my husband and I each have different systems!

Instead of trying to impose a system on him, we’ve encouraged him to develop his own system. As much as we want it to be done our way, that’s how much he wants to do it his way!

We are finding that as we let him develop his own system, his system is improving. Not only that, but since he started doing more chores, he has, almost entirely, stopped whining and complaining. Plus, he started taking a great deal of pride in his dishwasher-loading gig!

Accessing the feelings we have about wanting to do things our own way, we see how important it is to let our son have that opportunity. Instead of keeping him out of what needs done, we have given him opportunities to serve our family. And by letting him figure out for himself what works, he has become even more fit for the task.

Certainly we all have our reasons for asserting the need to do things ourselves from time to time. But when our need to do things ourselves denies children opportunities to learn and grow, we may want to reconsider imposing our need on the situation. We may even be surprised at what kids can do when we let them at it!

Can you recall a time in your life when you wanted more autonomy than you were given? What did that feel like for you? What can you ask or let the children in your life do that they haven’t tried on their own?

~ ~ ~

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If you enjoyed this post, you might also like these:

Do I Don’t Know?

Stuff You Learn After You Say “I do”

This post was inspired in part by using one of the 52 Positive Discipline Parenting Tools called “Jobs” as a writing prompt. Much of my approach to parenting as been honed by the Positive Discipline books.

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